


Remain indoors

by Masonry



Category: That Mitchell and Webb Look (TV)
Genre: M/M, dystopia?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-19
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:47:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25391104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Masonry/pseuds/Masonry
Summary: In a post-nuclear war world, people are forced to curfew, and still engrossed in the British emergency quiz show.
Kudos: 1





	Remain indoors

**Author's Note:**

> The lockdown period made me watch their amazing sketch and write this :) I'm translating what I wrote in Japanese, so I apologize if some of it doesn't make sense to you. The tumblr account where I put my fanfiction and fan art about M&W is @sharrrkish, so I'm very happy when someone sees/follows me!

In a post-nuclear war world, people are forced to curfew, and still engrossed in a British emergency quiz show.

Host:Good evening, everyone! It's time for the always familiar quiz show. Please keep remain indoors again today. The truth is we're not in a situation where we should be continuing to do this show. Anyway, hello Peter!

Peter: Hello!

That's a good response. You're even waving your hand. Even though there are only two of us here anymore. ...So let's get right to the question. Round one! How much oxygen do we have left in this area?

I don't know.

I don't either. Round two! Have all the other people really disappeared except the two of us?

I would think so.

And no reinforcements?

Perhaps.

Reluctantly, I'll take that as a correct answer. Round Three, What was it that people used to call "hope"?

Is it an animal?

Maybe.

Didn't we do this crap before?

I may have done it.

Enough is enough.

Then it's time to get to the core." When I say "core", it's a completely different thing than that energetic conceptual body, of course. ...Round Four, what's really going to happen to us after this?

Hmmm, that's a tough question. Can you give me a hint?

Fair enough. Tip 1: There is no more food.

I didn't want to hear it.

I didn't want to say it either. Hint 2: We are not Adam and Eve, so humanity will no longer flourish.

What does that mean?

It's... I mean, we're both biologically male, so procreation is the current reproductive technology. Then, unfortunately, it's not possible... and even if it were, you and I would still don't have a thing since we're not in a relationship like that... there are things we may have to do if we have to keep the human race alive. I don't know, but... uh... well, sort of, you know, forget it.

Okay, I get it.

Clue 3........uh.......

No idea?

Yes.

It's all right then.

All right.

Can I ask you a question?

OK.

What's your name?

Huh?

Come over here and talk to me. And if you can, hold my hand...

My name is... the host of this show...

No, it's not, it's Peter or Sheila or whatever the name is.

It's...I don't know. I don't remember. I never thought about it until you asked me... and since that event, I guess, I don't have memory of saying myself or being called my names...I don't even remember...

Okay. So what were you doing before the event?

Peter! Haven't I told you many times not to think about the event? It's a source of stress.

Sorry, you said that. I thought it would be nice if it was before the event. Not the event itself. Besides, talking about it might help with some of the healing process.

Totally I was hosting a quiz show even before the event. I thought it was my calling.

I know.

But the event caused me to lose my family and friends without any warning. That day, it all came out of nowhere. We were in the middle of taping the show when the event happened, and I had to watch some of the staff members get killed. I saw...

It was.

I couldn't help anyone. And I've been through all kinds of hell... and I ended up at this institution. And I immediately asked a lot of people to help me get it back on the air... so I could make it exist for people to enjoy. I had to let you. You know I said that before. And you're right. People need entertainment no matter how much they're hurting, or even more so when they're hurting... but it's not. As a matter of construction and as a personal matter, this quiz show is all I have left now. You know. You know what I mean?

...

This job has been and always will be my calling. More than anything else, it's what I've made myself to be. I can't escape my own responsibility. Responsibility for the fact that I was the only one who survived.

...

Does this help the wound heal a bit?

I'm... I'm sorry.

That's okay. And it's kind of weird, but talking to you makes me feel a little better... it's hard for all of us at the time. Because of the circumstances, I didn't think it was right to keep talking about such personal, unimportant things to anyone. I was, but... and... and... and I thought it would be better to rein in the bad stuff and forget about it, so...

Some people try to get over it by trying not to remember it. There's nothing wrong with that. But for me, every little thing that matters to you is important. And I don't need to think about anyone else.

I don't know...why are you so bright? I don't know if bright is the right word but I'm jealous of you. Being blind and not having to witness all the misery...

But I can hear the screams.

I know, but...

Isn't it time we got out of here?

Huh?

Take me with you. Outside.

(Is he talking about that "outside" thing? Have you finally lost your mind? Honestly, I'd probably rather go out and die than be alone with him in a place like this. But I don't want to suffer in the outside world...) Okay. Let's go.

(And we walked up the long path to the vent, up the ramp, down, and down the long path again. Hand in hand, chattering away.)

...Here's the outside.

Okay. What's it like?

Yeah, the buildings are mostly crumbling, a world away from what came before... but there's a purple sky up there. The sun was shining and the horizon was orange. The stars are twinkling and beautiful.

It's nice. I think it's a surrealist landscape in a way, though. But it's romantic.

Not a single blade of grass on the ground... but crisp (and possibly poisonous) in the lukewarm air. Can you feel the wind on your cheek? t I guess it's early summer now. Maybe someday this earth will sprout... though we'll never see it... What do you think?

I think you're right.

Someday... maybe sooner than we think... (No, let's not do this...) I'm sorry, but to be honest... this is a lot more than a vent. We're in the hallway in front of us. We just walked up the ramp, made a right turn, went down the same ramp again, and came back the way we came. Yo. All we have is a black, moldy, black wall standing in front of us, and I lied to you.

I know. I'm aware of the bounce of sounds. I can smell the mold. Your hands are shaking.

I'm a terrible person. It's all about me.

You were trying to protect me from the outside world, weren't you? That's all you need to know. A kind man.

Not kind! You have no idea who I am.

I can tell. The warmth of the way he held my hand, the amount of strength he pulled me with, the softness of his voice that was different from the show. It sounds like...

Peter...

And he tried to convince me that there was a beautiful world out there.

No one had ever told me that before... an unanswered cry to the camera. As for me throwing myself at you... but you always answered my questions.

That's my role as a panelist...I guess you could say it's my calling. I can't say I was giving the right answers.

I'm giving it out... to me... you're my... oh, what do I say in these situations? (I can't get the words out. Something I'd forgotten that I'd even forgotten... what did people call this?) Even this stuff to me. I don't know. I don't know anything about that. despite I'm a quiz show host.

Sure, sure.

You've been great to have you around. Thank you.

You were great, too.

Hey, you want to go back to the studio now?

Yeah.

... Are you sure?

…It's not good. Actually, it's still on the air, and people are watching what we're doing in the studio tech room and behind the TV screen...

You're lying.

I am. I thought you'd enjoy a lie like that. It's supposed to make you more excited.

It's you, isn't it?

…So, does this mean that I'm Adam and you're Eve?

Either way, I don't care.

It doesn't matter.

What's the scar?

Oh...that's the wound the Raiders got me with...post event.

Okay. …Umm,You've got scars in these parts of your body…

That tickles...

Come on. My fluffy little animal.

Well... by the way, where's my shirt and my sunglasses?

Oh, here. Let me dress you up.

I can put it on myself.

I'd like to dress you in it.

Let's go see the stars again.

Yeah.

Hey, what was that "hope" all about? I asked you yesterday, didn't I?

Yeah.

I think I know what the answer was...

What? An animal?

Probably not. Close enough.

Tell me about it.

(I run my finger along the edge of Peter's ear... he's smiling... and I think the answer to that quiz is I was sure of what it was. Oh, God, no, I don't know if there is a God in this world, but if there is a prayer to the stars, like this I swear. May we live as long as possible!)

Yeah, you don't have to tell me that!

What?

Quiz answer. It's the ears!

Incorrect! Minus 5 points!

...So, the quiz show will continue for a while yet. Probably. Anyway, there is only one thing I can say. Everyone, please remain indoors.


End file.
